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How to Cut the Back of Hair?

Faq / February 20, 2022

After the haircut. Photo: Ryan Plett

The last time I wrote about my hair on the internet, it was to audition for the role of minimally attractive triangle player in the band HAIM. It’s been four months since my plea went live, and while I haven’t heard from Este, Alana, or Danielle, I have a feeling I wouldn’t be welcome anymore anyway. Back in those days, my hair was long, straight, and HAIM-like (but, you know, not as good). Then, about two weeks ago, in a desperate fury brought on by lack of air-conditioning in my apartment, I cut most of that mediocre hair off, never to be seen again. I’ll be seeking a new band to audition for shortly.

When I say I cut all of my own hair off, I mean that in the most literal sense. Did I prepare for this activity by purchasing special hair shears? No. Did I know what to do when I planted myself in front of my bathroom mirror and began deciding on lengths with my two fingers? Hardly. Did I have some idea of how I would look with short hair? Honestly, not in the slightest. But the back of my neck was hot and I believed I wouldn’t last another day with a thick hair blanket grazing my shoulders. Something had to be done.

ImageInstead of waiting to make a hair appointment at a salon that would charge me too much for a haircut that would take too long during a time frame that would be too far away, I found a pair of scissors under my bathroom sink and got right to it. Well, I almost did, but as the sharp blade came closer and closer to my face, I remembered that I’d never cut my own hair. Oh dip. Maybe I should do some research.